Kids do well when they can: Shifting your mindset

Wow… I have just finished a course by Dr Ross Greene. What an inspiring man to listen to.  Families of PDAers follow this man! Everyone can take away something from his proactive and collaborative problem solving approach.  It’s not just how we should be communicating with our kids but how we should be communicating within our marriages, schools, workplaces and amongst family members.

His approach is firmly grounded in moving away from modifying behaviours and moving towards collaboratively and proactively problem solving situations that we know are challenging for our kids.  Collaboratively means that solutions are not just created by adults, the kids have to be an active participant in this process.  Proactively means that plans and solutions need to be made and implemented prior to kids reaching the point of displaying behaviours.  Kids can’t problem solve if their brains have already reached a fight/flight/fright stress response, we have to intervene early. 

Kids do well when they can. What a difference it can make when you shift your mindset from seeing something as a behavioural choice, to viewing behaviour as being a way of communicating that this is hard, that I need help, that perhaps it is our adult imposed expectations that need to shift.

The behaviour’s of PDA kids are often described as being…

• Attention seeking
• Manipulative
• Coercive
• Unmotivated
• Testing limits⠀

These behaviours often get met with punishment and consequences.  I can’t say loudly enough, punishment and consequences are only going to make the situation worse.  Any trust and connection you had with your child will be degraded.

Dr Greene suggests that what our kid’s behaviour is actually saying is…

I’m having trouble with…

• Being flexible/adaptable
• Managing my frustration
• Problem solving
• Regulating my emotions

When you view behaviour with this lens, all of a sudden your child gets met with grace, empathy and compassion.

How do these skills get learned?

Through practise and modelling of collaboratively and proactively problem-solving solutions. 

• This is how we built trust, connection and relationship with our kids.
• This is how kids practise how to figure out what is making it hard for them to meet an expectation.
• This is how kids practice how to articulate what they are having difficulty with in a way that other people can comprehend.
• This is how kids practise listening.
• This is how kids practise empathising.
• This is how kids practise taking the perspective of others.
• This is how kids practise appreciating how their actions might impact others.
• This is how kids practise generating alternate solutions.
• This is how kids practise thinking of solutions that don’t just work for themselves but consider other people’s needs too.
• This is how kids practise moving away from the original solution and onto one that is more realistic and mutually satisfactory.
• This is how kids practise how to resolve disagreements without conflict.

And guess what… the adults get to model and practise all these skills too!

I’ll talk more about how we use proactive and collaborative problem solving in our house in another blog post.  For now, if you want more information check out:

• Dr Ross Greene’s books The Explosive Child and Raising Human Beings
• Lives in the balance website livesinthebalance.org
• The B Team Facebook Group

You won’t be disappointed.