I’m going to tell you the takeaway message first. Throw out the parenting books. Disregard everything that you think you should be doing and tune into your child. Do whatever works for you. This is what works for us, maybe some of it will resonate.
- Sleep- We have a night routine that involves one-on-one play, toilet, teeth brushing and reading books. My husband and I take turns co-sleeping with our PDAer. We have a queen size bed in his room and separate sheets and blankets so that his tossing and turning lessens the disruption to our sleep. Him knowing that we will be there minimises the anxiety around going to sleep, he sleeps more soundly and recently has started to sleep in later. This is a huge deal for us. Previously pre-4am starts were not uncommon, now he reliable makes it past 5am which is amazing!
- Meals- Our PDAer chooses what he eats. Sometimes we will give a couple of choices. Sometimes we will tell him to go have a look in the fridge or the pantry and help himself. There are no set meal times, just whenever he is hungry.
- Dressing- Our son wears very soft comfy cotton clothes, tags cut out of course. We assist him with getting dressed. He only gets changed if needed- too hot, too cold, obviously dirty. This means that sometimes he is in the same outfit for a couple of days in a row. We don’t push pyjamas, sometimes he will choose to wear them but for the most part he just wears his clothes to sleep.
- Teeth brushing- This has been something that we have slowly worked on for a loooooong time. Discussing the ‘why’ behind having clean teeth has been important. We are at the stage now were we aim for once a day before bed. I put the tooth paste on the toothbrush and leave it on the sink ready for him. Usually, my husband and I will offer to do a quick top, bottom, front brush after he has had a go but this isn’t enforced. If it has been a particularly difficult day, we might skip teeth brushing all together. Other days he might negotiate to do them in the morning (we let it go if in the morning he is unable to follow through with his promise). We go to the dentist every 6 months and the last couple times he has even let them do a polish.
- Hair cuts- These are incredibly challenging and traumatic task from a sensory perspective. A new toy, distraction, perfect conditions, and his suggestion of when to do it are necessary. I cut his hair at home in a manner that limits the amount of hair that falls on him. Sometimes we only get part way through a cut and have to have another go. Problem solve about ‘why’ he needs a haircut is critical.
- Hair washing- Our PDAer finds getting his face wet unbearable. Hair washing has a huge sensory demand. We wash our PDAer’s hair in the sink. He lies on the bench and leans back and has a towel over his eyes so that literally only his hair gets wet. It’s only done once every few weeks. A new toy, distraction, problem solving and explaining the ‘why’ are necessary for this one too.
- Hair brushing- This happens after a hair wash as part of the routine, so very rarely. The rest of the time it’s just a brush through with my fingers. We keep it short to avoid having to do daily maintenance.
- Nail cutting- This one requires an explanation about ‘why’ it needs to be done. He then gets to choose a favourite activity to distract him while it’s being completed and gets to choose when it will happen.
- Bathing- We loosely aim for every other day but this is not forced. Our PDAer gets to choose- shower, bath or even sink. A swim in our freshwater pool often counts for a bath too. Soaping is encouraged but doesn’t always happen.
- Sunscreen – This carries such a huge sensory demand. We only put sunscreen on our PDAer if is absolutely necessary. If there is an option to stay in the shade he will often take it. In winter we generally avoid being out in the middle of the day. We all wear long sleeves at the beach to minimise the area that needs to be sunscreened. We have trialled so many different sunscreens to find the type that is the most tolerable, the best so far for us are zinc based mineral sticks. He has choice over when it gets put on and who puts it on. We have also found the Sun Smart app handy, we can look at the UV levels together and he understands that if it is above a 3, and we are going to be out in the sun for a long time, than we need sunscreen.
- Screen time- We have a loose limit that screens get turned off at dinner time. Some days this might be negotiated if he has had a rare daytime nap or if we are having a family movie night. We do have limits around the content of what is being watched and sometimes take breaks from certain shows. Generally, I just try to make sure there are varied experiences away from screens throughout the day and beyond that he can watch as he likes. The TV often ends up being on in the background while we do other things.
Remember the mantra, ‘Just for now’… this isn’t forever. You are creating a trusting and respectful relationship with your child.
