One of the first things I often suggest to families when they are starting out with lowering demands is to identify predictable triggers. However, they often despair that everything is a trigger, or find it confusing that something can be fine one day cause a meltdown the next. The thing that triggers our kids is often the straw that broke the camel’s back.
In our PDA kids, demands can have a cumulative impact on their nervous system. McEwen & Stellar call this allostatic load, the wear and tear on the body that accumulates as an individual is exposed to repeated and chronic stress. In the case of our PDA kids, demands trigger a stress response in their system.
One analogy I like is to imagine our nervous system’s capacity being a bit like a bucket. Every stressor or demand that we encounter fills our bucket up a little more each time until it can’t hold anymore. When the bucket starts overflowing that is the point where our kids reach a fight/flight/freeze stress response. They are no longer able to think clearly. They can’t rationalise, apply judgement, or learn.
As parents we can act in two ways.
- We can help to eliminate and accommodate the demands so that our kids aren’t reaching the point of overwhelm.
- We can drain the bucket by providing opportunities for regulation and recovery which calm their nervous system.
By doing this we are creating a bigger buffer zone, a bigger window of tolerance.
Over time it gets easier, we start to recognise the early signs of stress, we prevent and de-escalate meltdowns before they occur, we figure out the balance for keeping our kids within their window of tolerance so that they are able to engage in the things that are important to them.
There are going to be plenty of times where we get it wrong.
We learn from them and make changes for next time.
We do the best we can.
