Something that is often hard for parents to understand is that just because a child is capable of doing something doesn’t mean they always have the capacity to do it.
The capacity that our kids have available to them is going to change based on a whole host of different factors. Their capacity is going to change based on factors like if they are tried, hungry, thirsty, hot, cold, the environment they are in, the amount of sensory input they are exposed to, the people around them, as well as the amount of structure, autonomy, pressure, expectations and demands they encounter. Their capacity can relate to what is happening right now and can also be impacted by all the things that have occurred in the lead up to this moment, across days, weeks, even months.
Lots to consider, I know!
The degree of flexibility we have as parents and the amount of support our PDAer’s require is going to be different from one day to the next.
I’ll use teeth brushing as an example. Our PDAer is more stable these days and he is at the point where he can manage brushing his teeth most days, however we know that it is still tricky for him. It is still a non-preferred activity and carries a big demand but we can generally get him there with accommodations. The level of accommodation we choose changes every day:
- There are some days where we can get there with strewing. We can place a tooth brush in sight and he will spontaneously comment, “I think now is a good time to brush my teeth.”
- There are days where we use declarative language and say, “Your toothbrush is ready.” We put the toothpaste on the toothbrush and leave it on the vanity and he will do it himself.
- There are days where there is a little more resistance where he will get into the bathroom, and I can see the signs of escalation. I might see his body tense up or he might lose meaningful verbal communication and start making noises. At those times I give him a choice, “Do you want me to brush them, or do you want to do it yourself?”
- There are days where we can get there through calming sensory input and fantasy, where we do some rough and tumble play first and then clean his teeth while he is in character.
- There are days where he will say, “I’ll do it later, I’ll do it after I’ve played games, no not yet.” and he will negotiate to do it when he is ready.
- There are also days when he’ll say, “I’ll do it in the morning.” Those are the days we let it go. We don’t hold him to it the next morning either, we recognise it was his way of saying, “Mummy it’s too hard today.”
- And then there are days where we can tell he’s had a big day and has nothing left and we don’t even mention it.
How do we figure out what level of support to provide? Through practice. Through trial and error. Through tuning into our kids. Through experience. Over time we get better at gauging where their capacity is at.
We can notice and appreciate the wins on the days when things are easy.
On the days when it’s too hard, we can lead with empathy and grace, knowing that just because they can’t do it today doesn’t mean they will never do it again.
They will do it when they are more regulated, when they have more capacity.
Our kids do well if they can.
