Quick recap… At our house we keep the demands about as low as we possibly can, however we do have two firm boundaries- No hurting yourself (which we addressed in Part 1) and no hurting others which we are going to explore in this blog.
I ask myself the same questions:
What are the scenarios that are leading to me having to hold the boundary of not hurting others?
Our PDAer’s ‘fight’ stress response usually only comes out around his sibling. The triggers are not having 1:1 attention/someone available to co-regulate with him, sensory overwhelm, tiredness, having to share, and his sibling not playing the way he wants/ being told ‘no’.
What changes can I put in place to eliminate these scenarios from coming up?
The reality is that during the week when my husband is at work, I’m mostly on my own with the kids which means my attention is going to be divided and our PDAer’s system is going to be heightened from the get go.
We try to factor in lots of time where the kids are separate. Our daughter goes to Daycare a couple of mornings a week, we get regular support from the grandparents and my husband and I often set up the day to divide and conquer. These measures definitely help to bolster everyone’s tolerance levels, however there is still plenty of time where we all have to try and get along together at home.
Sharing is one of the biggest triggers so we have doubles of lots of our toys to avoid problems with sharing where we can. Sometimes if there are certain games or items that consistently cause problems, we accept that the kids don’t have the capacity to manage sharing those things right now, and put them away and we can try again later down the track.
With regards to sensory overwhelm, I know that I need to be on high alert if we are engaging in activities that involve messy play, getting wet, or loud noise, as these are going to have our PDAer right at the edge of what he can tolerate.
For the things that can’t be eliminated, how can we collaboratively problem solve solutions?
So for things that can’t be shared, we problem solve with our PDAer about where he can keep his precious things that he doesn’t want his sister to touch.
For activities that we know will be tricky we problem solve ahead of time. For example, we might make a plan for staying safe in the trampoline before getting in.
What are the signs to watch for if the situation is escalating so that I can intervene early and diffuse the situation?
For us the signs are squealing, vocalising, nervous laughter, reduced speech, erratic movements, and taking his sibling’s things. These tell me that his nervous system is on edge and that I need to act now to try and help his system to regulate.
At these times I know that I can’t leave my kids to play together unsupervised. Regularly I find myself setting up two different activities in the same space and physically positioning myself in-between. This also means that I have to adjust my expectations around what I can realistically achieve while looking after the kids by myself.
If another adult is around, we separate the kids.
Often, I use screens to help. This means setting up one of the kids with a show while I give the other child some one-on-one time to co-regulate.
How do I respond in the heat of the moment?
No amount of planning can mitigate every situation. In the moment I might…
Validate and reiterate boundaries…
“You’re feeling frustrated.”
“You don’t want to share.”
“I can’t let you hurt your sibling.”
“I can’t let you be around your sibling when your body is in a jumpy/rough mood.”
Remove an item…
Removing the item my kids are fighting over is sometimes the only way to keep everyone safe. There can be times where it’s easy to redirect everyone. However, some days the tolerance levels are lower, the fixation on the item might be higher, and I know the cost is going to be weathering a huge meltdown and we are unlikely to be able to do anything the rest of the day.
Sometimes I am the thing they are fighting over. They both want mummy to play in different games in different locations. In these situations, I try to act as the mediator, hearing both sides and then working together to problem solve a solution. E.g. “You (PDAer) want to play remote control cars on the driveway with me and you (sibling) want you to have a tea party with me in the playroom. How are we going to solve the problem?” Our PDAer has enough practice with this that he can often come up with a solution… “Can we bring the tea set out to the driveway?”
Remove the sibling…
Sometimes I might choose to remove the sibling from harm’s way, which might also mean making them stop a game that they were enjoying. This might really suck and feel unfair, it might feel like they are missing out, almost like they are being punished. Their feelings need to get validated too. I might say something along the lines of “It’s my job to keep you safe, I can’t let you play in here right now.” “I know it’s really hard having a big brother. They love you and are not themselves right now. It’s not your fault.”
Remove the PDAer…
I sometimes remove our PDAer when it is unsafe to stay in a situation which means that I will have to help him through a meltdown. At our house helping through a meltdown looks like me trying to stay as calm as I can, crouching or sitting down, staying close, making the space safe by moving things away, saying nothing or “I’m here if you need a hug.” It is necessary to wait it out and then once my PDAer has de-escalated slightly, I can implement some calming strategies like stroking his hair, giving him back scratches, giving him a hug, giving him his comfort toy, and moving him to his bed where he might like to be left alone for a little while, I then keep checking back until he is ready to engage in a favourite activity to help regulate.
How do we debrief afterwards?
Obviously once everyone is calm, sometimes I leave it until right before bed, we have a debrief. What happened. Validate all feelings. And problem solve how we might make a plan to try and prevent it happening again.
Lately we have also been using a great tip from Amanda deikman called ‘Making it right’ to repair when there are mis-steps and it has been very effective. Once everyone is calm we discuss what our PDAer could do to make it right. Hugs, saying I love you, getting a comfort toy, and singing a favourite song, have been the most common ways to make it right at our house.
I wish I could give you a quick fix. A strategy that works every time. Remember that behaviours are not a choice. Yelling, threats and consequences are only going to exacerbate the level of stress on your PDAer’s nervous system. For us, it is a constant recalibrating process. A constant process of working out how to build more tolerance. The thing we always come back to is “How can we optimise our home environment and set up our lifestyle to radically accommodate our PDAer’s nervous system?” Therein lies the key.
