What you say and how you say it matters.
The way you speak to your PDAer can either allow them to feel safe and engage with you or it can trigger a stress response.
Linda Murphy’s, Declarative Language Handbook, is an excellent reference. It’s a quick read with lots of real-world examples that can help you transform how you speak to your PDAer. She describes Declarative language as…
“A comment or a statement… Usually it is a statement that observes. For example, it may observe events in the environment, including people, actions, and changes. It can also narrate an internal event, such as thoughts, feelings, predictions, opinions, observations, or problem-solving dialogue.”
Declarative language keeps the PDA nervous system feeling safe.
At a brain level, it allows them to fully access their executive functioning systems, their ability to control impulses, keep feelings in check, adjust their behaviour, plan, organise, attend, apply judgement and recall things from their memory. Decelerative language helps them to notice what is happening around them and gives them the opportunity to learn and discover things for themselves, rather than just being told. Declarative language avoids asking questions, instead it invites your PDAer to notice, think and problem solve. There is no demand, there is no right or wrong way to respond.
Imperative language is when we give direct instructions, commands or requests that require us to do or say something in response. This type of language is perceived as a demand and can trigger a stress response, causing a child to become aggressive, avoidant, or shut down. Have you noticed your PDAer become non-verbal in high demand situations? Recently we had a visitor from out of town who was very enthusiastically trying to engage with our PDAer, however they went about this by firing off about a dozen questions all in quick succession. Their well-meaning attempts at connection were having the complete opposite effect.
Our cheat sheet includes a double sided page of real-world examples that have literally come out of my mouth when I’ve been speaking to my PDAer. This is certainly not an exhaustive list but hopefully gives you a starting point. For the examples that have a few statements I would give the first statement and then pause and wait. Often the follow up statements aren’t required.
I certainly don’t get it right all the time, we are so well trained in using imperative language. It’s pretty obvious when I slip up, that’s when I get responses like “No” (sometimes it’s even a “No thank you” but even though it’s polite, it still shuts down the conversation), “You do it”, “I don’t want to”, “I don’t know”.
Switching to declarative language takes practise. Start out by just picking a few times of day where you are going to give it a try. See what happens. Eventually it will become second nature.
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