I regularly get asked about screen use and recently I have been reflecting on how utilising screens has evolved at our house. It definitely took us time to adjust our mindset.
A snapshot of where we started to where we are now:
- Screens are detrimental to child development and should be completely avoided.
- Screens can be used with strict limits around when and for how long.
- Relaxing screen limits feels awful, we don’t value time spent on screens.
- Screens are a valuable tool, we can see the immense benefits for our family.
- Children can have an active role in self-managing their screen use.
If you want to read on, this is how we got there…
There is so much information out there about screen time being detrimental for child development. I used to buy into this. When our PDAer was little, we actively kept screens to an absolute minimum.
When our daughter was born, screens became a helpful coping strategy. I would set our PDAer up with a movie when I needed to feed and settle the baby. Even though there was more time watching screens, we still held tight around how long he could watch for and when. I can recall some real doozys of meltdowns around holding these limits.
When our PDAer hit burnout we relaxed all limits around screens but it was definitely what Amanda Diekman would call a fake drop (check out her book Low Demand Parenting). We were really fearful about it and held a lot of shame. We couldn’t help but wonder if it was the right decision and often grappled with the perceived judgement of others.
Even though we had loosened our limits; we didn’t value the time our PDAer spent on screens and we still held the belief that he should be doing other things. There was still lots of discussions and negotiations about when he would turn screens off and engage in something else.
Slowly, over a period of about 6 months, we started to see the benefits of screens and our mindset started to shift. We leaned in more, we showed interest in what our PDAer was doing on screens. We stopped negotiating as much. We would get great ideas from some of the shows he was watching which we would then re-enact in real life. Whilst we would strew (set up interesting things within eye-shot) and make comments about things that might capture his interest, these were offerings that could either be engaged with or declined. We also stopped making a big deal around turning the screens off to transition, we just left them on in the background while we did other things.
Instead of focusing our energy on “getting our PDAer off screens”, we worked on trust, connection, regulation and dropping demands in other areas.
And then something amazing started to happen. As our PDAer’s capacity increased, he started to rely on screens less and less and started to re-engage with non-screen-based interests. Instead of us needing to strew and comment, he would spontaneously suggest ideas, pause his show and run off to initiate them.
What we have come to notice is that the amount of time our PDAer spends on screens is an overall indicator of how regulated his nervous system is. In times of burnout, he relies heavily on screens. In stages of stability, he is able to self-manage his screen use.
At our house we now view screens as a valuable tool.
- They assist to reduce the demand around eating.
- They are a regulation tool, especially if my attention needs to be shifted elsewhere. (e.g. household tasks, phone calls, helping a sibling or meeting a need of my own)
- They can reduce the demand to wait and can be especially helpful for essential appointments.
- They can be a gateway to accessing special interests and learning.
- They can be used to re-direct and de-escalate situations quickly.
- They can serve as a distraction and increase tolerance for self-care tasks that he finds uncomfortable (e.g. nail cutting, hair washing, hair cutting)
- They can be used to create connection when we play, research, watch together, or re-enact what we see in real life.
- They build social connection with friends who also share the same screen-based interests.
There is no longer shame and fear. There is liberation, peace and acceptance that this is what works for our family.
Letting go of deeply held beliefs takes time.
Be kind to yourself while you figure it out.
