For our PDAers, any perceived inequality, injustice, lack of autonomy, lack of control or imbalance of power can lead to them being escalated and can trigger what looks like disruptive, threatening, controlling or aggressive behaviour. Kristy Forbes refers to this as Levelling. Casey Ehrlich uses the term equalising.
Regardless of what you call it, the behaviour is communicating that your PDAer’s nervous system is escalated, and they are trying to regain a sense of safety. It is the sign that tells us that we need to drop demands and prioritise regulating their nervous system.
These are some examples of ways we accommodate our PDAer when he is escalated. None of these are a sure thing. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. The most important thing is trying to intervene early, before they reach a full meltdown state (managing a meltdown will be the topic of another post).
De-escalate through separation:
If another adult is around, we remove the trigger by separating the kids. If that isn’t an option, sometimes I can set the kids up in different parts of the house or even with different activities within the same room with me positioned in between them.
Redirect using screens:
Screens can help to de-escalate a situation quickly and can either serve to occupy siblings or act as a holding activity for my PDAer until I can provide the 1:1 co-regulation that they need.
Redirect using novelty:
Often, I set the kids up side-by-side with an activity that doesn’t require sharing. My kids tend to do well with things like playdough, kinetic sand, digging in the sandpit, gardening, Magnatiles, Duplo/Lego. I might use words like “Oh the plants need a drink.” Or “Oh look it’s a lovely time for digging, it’s nice and cool in the shade.”
Redirect using playfulness and connection:
Often my PDAer is triggered by me shifting my attention to his sibling. An example, I remember a day when I was helping my daughter get dressed and my PDAer came in and was humming loudly on loop, his body was getting restless, and he started poking her. I tapped into a game that we play called Mummy Robot, the robot has lots of different settings and I pretended it had been put in tickle mode and then as the kids tried to switch off the robot, I changed to hug mode, and then spin mode where I pick them up and spin them. Once everyone was laughing and had their connection fill, I asked our PDAer what he was going to do while I continued getting our daughter ready.
De-escalate by using fantasy:
Our PDAer will often get triggered by his sibling playing with a toy he wants to use. If he has taken or hidden something of hers, I can deescalate by giving him a way out, a way to save face. We had a situation a few weeks’ ago where he was denying that he knew where the toy was, so I suggested that maybe the fairies had hidden it and that they might leave a fairy trail for us to find it. We then pretended to fall asleep while he set up a trail of gemstones for us to follow. It made the kids feel connected, our PDAer felt like he saved the day, and our daughter was happy she got her toy back.
Mediate problem solving:
Our PDAer being told “No” by his sibling is another common trigger. The other morning, he asked her to play remote control cars with him first thing in the morning, but she just really wanted to have breakfast and he was blocking her from getting down the hallway to the table. They were at a standoff, and he started yelling threats at her, she was getting distressed. I sat down between then and just said, “It sounds like we’ve got a problem. You want to play remote control cars and you want to have her breakfast. What are we going to do?” Our PDAer’s idea was for them to play first and then our daughter could have breakfast. She said “No” again. I repeated that she doesn’t want to play first, then have breakfast. He countered with; “Can we have a really short play?” I added that it would probably take me a few minutes to get breakfast ready and wondered if they could do their short play while her toast was cooking. They both agreed.
Being able to notice the early signs of escalation and knowing what strategy to choose takes lots of intentional trial and error. We recognise the things that work and reflect on the times that don’t. Over time it gets easier.
What works at your house?
