Our PDAer’s nervous systems are so sensitive to perceiving threat.
Our tone of voice, our body language, being told what to do, or even just being asked simple questions can be triggering for them.
Leading with genuine positive intent will always get you a long way in discussions.
We can go a step further in minimising the impact that our words have on their nervous system by switching to a more indirect way of speaking through declarative language.
Linda Murphy’s, Declarative Language Handbook, is an excellent reference. She describes Declarative language as…
“A comment or a statement… Usually it is a statement that observes. For example, it may observe events in the environment, including people, actions, and changes. It can also narrate an internal event, such as thoughts, feelings, predictions, opinions, observations, or problem-solving dialogue.”
Declarative language keeps the PDA nervous system feeling safe. It helps them to notice what is happening around them and gives them the opportunity to learn and discover things for themselves, rather than just being told.
Declarative language avoids asking questions, instead it invites your PDAer to notice, think and problem solve. There is no demand, there is no right or wrong way to respond.
Imperative language is when we give direct instructions, commands or requests that requires us to do or say something in response. This type of language can trigger a stress response and cause a child to shut down.
If we go into conversations with an agenda and hope that by re-wording requests our PDAers will do what we want them to do, we are going to end up sorely disappointed. It might work for a little while, but they will quickly cotton on and lose trust.
When I first started learning about Declarative Language I found it really helpful to have the words. These are a few examples. Remember they are invitations; our kids can always do or say nothing in response, say, ‘No’ or suggest an alternative:
| Hold my hand | We are in a carpark. I see there are lots of cars around. I wonder how we will stay safe. (Often he will hold my hand, other times he will respond by suggesting he rides in the trolley.) |
| Put on your shoes | It’s a hot day. Hmm the concrete might be hot. I wonder how we’ll stop our feet from getting burned. (Sometimes our PDAer has the capacity to put shoes and socks on, other times he will request to be carried over the hot concrete and go bare feet.) |
| What do you want to eat? | My tummy is grumbling, I’m going to have some breakfast. I wonder what your tummy is hungry for. (Sometimes our PDAer will request a preferred food, however often times he doesn’t respond at all and just lets us know when he is ready.) |
Like learning any new skills, using Declarative Language takes practice.
Give it time.
