When parenting a PDAer, keeping your own mindset in check is essential. These are 10 of my favourite mantras, reframes and affirmations that I have shared over the last year.
1. Just for now…
It can be easy to get overwhelmed catastrophising about the future. It’s easy to feel guilty that you are not doing enough. Guilty about not being fair to your PDAer’s siblings. On those days I use the mantra “Just For Now…’’ to reframe my thinking. Just because they can’t do it today doesn’t mean it’s forever. Just for now… we co-sleep. Just for now… we don’t do family dinner. Just for now… this is working for my family.
2. “Kids do well if they can.” Dr Ross Greene
What a difference it can make when you shift your mindset from seeing something as a behavioural choice, to viewing behaviour as being a way of communicating that this is hard, that I need help, that perhaps it is our adult imposed expectations need to shift.
I’ll add that parents, teachers and therapists do well when they can too. We all get overwhelmed sometimes. We all have times where we act in a way that we don’t condone or make mistakes. We are human and could all use a little grace.
3. They aren’t giving you are hard time, they are having a hard time.
Remember that behaviour is communication. When you see your child lashing out at their siblings, breaking or throwing things, yelling or running away. It’s important to remember that your child is communicating that they aren’t coping. Their nervous system is in fight/flight. Their brain is in protection mode. The thinking part of their brain has been short circuited. Responding by yelling, shaming them, making them feel guilty, sending them to their room or implementing consequences or punishments, will never help, in fact it will just contribute to the problem. What your child needs is to feel safe. They need an environment that is aligned to their sensory preferences. They need co-regulation with an adult they trust. They need unconditional love and connection.
4. “Good parenting means being responsive to the hand you’ve been dealt.” Another gem from Dr Ross Greene
He goes on to say… “Parents ultimately want what is best for their child. If parenting the way that society dictates, the way that parenting books preach, isn’t working, and is causing huge stress in your home. I’m willing to bet that most parents are going to question cultural norms, especially if it is in service for what is best for their child.” In our house we do what works and keep our own tally of wins. It’s pretty liberating to stop comparing yourself to other people.
5. “Parent the child in front of you.” Robin Einzig
I used to spend a lot of time worrying about the future. I used to think that if I didn’t hold boundaries, didn’t actively teach my PDAer skills, didn’t expose him to different situations, that he wouldn’t learn, he wouldn’t be prepared for the future, he wouldn’t be able to go to school, get a job, live independently. I was parenting from a place of fear. When you parent the child in front of you. You can focus on what is working right now. What are they capable of right now? When you can let go of fear, you can be present in the moment and start to trust that your child will develop in their own time and way.
6. Beware of borrowing worries.
Borrowing a worry is when we worry about something before it is time to worry about it. We often worry about things that may never happen or that are completely out of our control. I know, sometimes it can feel like it’s easier said than done. Our time and energy is so precious, it is best preserved for what we have control over right now.
7. Connection over direction
This saying is so true for our PDAers. Without connection, any strategies that you try to implement are likely to fall flat. Without connection a PDAer’s nervous system will detect threat, causing their thinking brain to be short circuited. No learning or collaboration can happen when kids are in this state. Genuine connection is the antidote to fight/flight/freeze/fawn. Over time it will increase your child’s trust, tolerance and capacity to engage in new experiences.
8. This is hard, I’m not alone, may I be gentle with myself. (from Mona Delahooke, based off the mindful self-compassion work of Dr Kristen Neff and Dr Chris Germer)
This is one that I say to myself on the hard days; after weathering meltdowns, when I’m exhausted and have been holding it together all day, when I feel guilty for feeling all of the emotions, these 3 statements help me to tap into my wisdom. It’s not that I’m a bad parent, it’s that I’m in a genuinely challenging situation and everyone would find it hard.
9. Fair is not always equal.
Fairness between my kids is something that is really important to me. It is easy to feel guilty that I am investing more time and energy into one child over the other. However, the reality that I have had to sit with is that fair is not always equal. Equality is when everyone gets the same but true equity is when everyone gets what they need to be successful. We obviously try to keep things as fair as we can, but there will be some scenarios where there are going to be different rules for our PDAer.
Fair is to always equal can apply to partners too. We have to play to our strengths.
10. Others have to earn the right to your story.
You have permission not to explain yourself and your choices. Your energy is precious, don’t waste it on people who don’t understand, can’t understand. Unless you have lived it, it’s impossible for others to ever fully relate. Gasps… judgmental comments… outrage…defensiveness… you don’t need that on your life. Surround yourself with people who you don’t have to explain yourself to and who trust your choices.
What are the mantras and affirmations that help get through? Please share them in the comments. It might just be what another family needs to hear.
