Parent question: Can I really just drop the demand? We can’t avoid bathing forever.

Can you really just drop the demand? My short answer is, yes.  If in the grand scheme of things, dropping the demand isn’t going to result in harm to their life or the lives of others than, yes, you can just drop the demand. Sometimes it can be really hard to sit with accommodations that go against societal expectations. 

First of all, it is necessary to remember that demands trigger your child’s nervous system into a fight/flight/freeze stress response.  If demands continue to accumulate over weeks, months, even years, your child can reach the point of burnout.  If you child is in burnout, they may need months of rest and recovery time for their nervous system to return to a place of stability. The priority in this stage is building trust and connection and making your child’s nervous system feel safe. 

Trust your child, and in time you might start to see glimmers that their window of tolerance is opening up.  This is going to look different for each child.  They might start asking what you are doing today, they might start initiating more conversations, they might try a new food, they spontaneously suggest having a shower, they might ask to make something they have seen on a TV show, they might spend less time on screens, or they might request to go somewhere.

Once you feel confident that your child is displaying more tolerance you can start to slowly try adding in some demands that are within their capacity. 

Let’s run with the example of bathing. First of all, you are not alone in this struggle.  Bathing has always been challenging for our son.  When he was in burnout he didn’t bath for weeks.  Even now, where I would say he is in a stage of stability, he rarely gets in the bath or shower.  However, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t wash.  We have had to adjust our expectation around what can count as bathing and what is a necessary frequency.  For a child that doesn’t get particularly sweaty, smelly or dirty, you might decide that once a week is completely sufficient. For a teenager the expectation might be completely different. There might be stages where you are prioritising other areas and can just let regular bathing go. 

Some strategies that we have found helpful for our 5 year old…  *As with everything I write, these are just examples of what works for us.  What works for other families will of course be different.  These certainly are not a sure thing every time. The common themes are flexibility, thinking outside the box and giving our son control.

Novelty: Introducing new elements like bath crayons, bath sticker, taking favourite toys into the bath, showering with mummy or daddy.  Bathing along to a Youtube clip/song of kids having fun in the bath.  Changing the location: running through the sprinklers outside, going out in the rain, bathing in a tub with the hose, bathing in the kitchen sink. Often bathing might just be a by-product of a bigger game like making a monster truck car wash or making boats to float in the sink which naturally turns into an opportunity to get wet. We don’t play these games with the intent for it to go this way, we just capitalise on an opportunity if it arises. Utilizing pretend play scenarios like pretending he is a dog having a bath, or a baby having its first bath lying down while you wash them.

Strewing: The idea of strewing is that it is a low demand way of offering an idea. Sometimes just seeing his sibling having fun in the bath is enough for him also feel inspired to hop in too.  Leaving a new bath toy or type of soap on the bench which he just happens to notice can sometimes be enough for him to spontaneously suggest having a shower. If he does decide to bath, we refrain from making a big deal out of it, as praising can actually have the opposite effect to what is intended, and lead to increased demand to do it again. 

Necessity: This is the one that unsurprisingly we have the most success with.  We create opportunities for our son to get messy.  For those of you with tactile defensive kids, I understand, our son is sensory defensive too and typically dislikes getting dirty, however when presented with high novelty situations, we can follow his lead, other times he doesn’t want to engage and that is 100% his choice, nothing is forced. A few examples, playing in a mud pit, playing with shaving cream, making homemade slime, making handprints and footprints with paint.  After these play experiences he will logically request to get cleaned off.

Washing his body and washing his hair are two different activities: There is a much higher chance of our PDAer getting in the bath or shower if he knows there is no expectation to get his face or hair wet, which he finds extremely distressing from a sensory perspective. Our PDAer lies on the kitchen and has his hair washed over the kitchen sink.  It only happens about once a month and he gets to pick the day and time it occurs.

Information giving and problem solving through discussions can be helpful, however they can often inadvertently increase the demand so you will have to meet your child where they are at.  These processes can also take time with small conversations potentially occurring across weeks.

Explaining the why:  It is incredibly important for PDAers to understand why something needs to be done. You might plant a seed about wanting to talk about bathing next week.  You might just have a matter-of-fact conversation one day while you are building Lego for why it’s really important to make sure that bacteria and germs don’t build up on our skin. 

Using collaborative problem solving can also be very helpful to minimise any aspects that may be contributing to the demand avoidance e.g. sensory elements like the temperature of the water, the feel of the shower spray, using a handheld shower hose, using a cup, the feel of washers or sponges, the smell of certain soaps, whether they like bubbles etc. 

What would you add to this list? What has helped your PDAer to bath or shower? Which of these might you try with your PDAer? Pop it in the comments to help out other families.