At our house we keep the demands about as low as we possibly can, however we do have two firm boundaries: No hurting yourself. No hurting others.
So how do we go about holding these boundaries?
I generally work backwards. These are some questions I have found it helpful to consider:
- What are the scenarios that are leading to me having to hold these boundaries?
- What changes can I put in place to eliminate these scenarios from coming up?
- For the things that can’t be eliminated, how can we collaboratively problem solve solutions?
- What are the signs to watch for if things are escalating so that I can intervene early and diffuse the situation?
- For the instances where we just haven’t been able to avoid or mitigate a boundary being reached, how can I respond in the heat of the moment?
- And finally, how do we debrief afterwards?
In this blog I’m going to apply these questions to the boundary ‘No hurting yourself’. This one is generally about my job as a parent to keep my child safe, and really, I’m talking about danger-to-your-life or significant injury type scenarios, not just a skinned knee.
A year ago, I would have said that our son’s main stress response when he is dysregulated was ‘flight’. Sometimes it looked like him slowly and quietly walking away from a situation, other times it was him running or bike riding away, and it was even more terrifying if he was headed in the direction of traffic or an open body of water!
After a year of living a low demand lifestyle, collaboratively problem solving and managing our environment, we barely encounter this stress response anymore. These are some of the things that have helped us…
What are the scenarios that are leading to me having to hold this boundary?
So first of all, we backtracked to work out that for our son, his flight response occurs most often in situations where he experiences sensory overwhelm, the social demands are high, my attention is split (talking to other adults or tending to his sibling), and he is tired.
What changes can we put in place to eliminate these scenarios from coming up?
We set up our home environment to eliminate risk e.g. child proofing exit points to prevent our PDAer running out onto the street at times when I am tending to his sibling and can’t provide him with my full attention.
We are selective about the way we manage community outings. Aiming for mornings when our PDAer’s energy levels are at their highest. Planning short trips so that he doesn’t reach the point of being overwhelmed. If we are going to a playground, picking fenced playgrounds where possible, or selecting small parks where it is easy for me to monitor both our kids at once. Utilizing a double pram or shopping trolley to make transitions to and from the car more controlled. Only attempting trickier activities when there is another adult available so that I can give our PDAer the levels of support he needs.
For the things that can’t be eliminated, how do we collaboratively problem solve solutions?
We brainstorm solutions ahead of time for things that I could foresee are going to be a challenge. For example, in the car on the way somewhere, I might say…“I’m feeling a bit worried. I’m worried about how I’m going to get you and your sister safely from the car to the shop when it’s just me on my own and I can’t carry you both.” Or “I’m worried about how we’ll make sure that no one gets lost at the shops.” Often these statements lead to my PDAer coming up with some solutions “I’ve got an idea mummy!” If he is involved in generating the ideas himself, he is much more likely to implement them.
What are the signs to watch for that things are escalating, and it is time to intervene early and diffuse the situation?
Signs that our PDAer is escalating include squealing, nervous laughter, reduced speech and erratic movements. These behaviours are our cue that it’s time to redirect or leave the situation. Often our PDAer will also tell us that he is ready to leave, and we have to honour that, even if we might not be finished socialising. Chances are he is likely already beyond his ability to manage.
How did I respond in the heat of the moment?
Now of course we can’t predict everything. Often in the moment me holding a boundary sounds like…
“I’m worried that…I wonder how we could make this safe.”
Often, I try my best to find a ‘Yes’ in some capacity which keeps the situation calm enough to allow for a conversation where we can collaborate and find a safe alternative.
However sometimes in the moment, I have to make a quick judgement call… It’s my job to keep you safe I can’t let you…sometimes this means physically intervening- picking him up, holding a bike still, or blocking him from accessing an unsafe area. I know that these responses are likely to trigger a meltdown and I have to try to keep myself as calm as possible to help him through that.
How to we debrief?
Before bed we might discuss what happened, why it isn’t safe, and what we could do next time. “Mummy was really worried today. I was worried that you were going to get hit by a car when you started riding in the middle of the road, by yourself, to the park.” (Terrifying!)
For the most part, these days we can pre-empt and navigate the majority of situations without a meltdown. We can stop the situation from escalating so that my son doesn’t move past the point of being unable to collaborate or problem solve.
When we can identify what stress response our child is displaying (fight/flight/freeze/fawn), it helps us to shift our mindset. Their behaviours are not a choice, their nervous system is responding as if they are under threat. They don’t need you to yell at them, threaten them, or lay down consequences, what they need is for you to ask yourself…”How can I give them the support that they need?”
